


Wandering Stars

by chaos_monkey



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Depression, Funerals, Grief, Heavy Angst, Implied Body Horror, Loneliness, M/M, Mention of Blood/Gore, Nightmares, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 10:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21372508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaos_monkey/pseuds/chaos_monkey
Summary: Eli suffers an unexpected loss, and doesn't know how to deal with it.
Relationships: Thrawn | Mitth'raw'nuruodo/Eli Vanto
Comments: 14
Kudos: 41





	Wandering Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Final warning for all of the sads, this is not my usual fare.
> 
> Inspired by the song Wandering Star by Portishead. The italicized excerpts are taken from the song lyrics (I'm aware they're not identical what you find online, but they're what I actually hear).

_ wandering stars for whom it is reserved _   
_ the blackness the darkness forever _

Eli reported to Ar’alani’s office, wondering why the admiral had summoned him after his regular shift had ended. 

“Lieutenant Commander Vanto. I’m afraid I have some difficult news,” Ar’alani said without preamble, her tone grave. 

“Admiral?”

Ar’alani gazed at him for a moment. “Please sit.”

Eli sat, getting increasingly nervous. Was he in trouble with the CDF? Or being shipped back to Imperial space to answer for charges of desertion, maybe? He opened his mouth, frowning; but Ar’alani spoke again before he could ask what was going on. 

“I regret to report that Mitth’raw’nuruodo has been confirmed dead.”

Eli’s mind went briefly blank before it recoiled in shock and horror. 

_ No— _

That couldn’t be— 

Ar’alani was still speaking but Eli couldn’t hear her over the voice screaming in his head. 

Thrawn couldn’t be dead, he _ couldn’t _ be, because he was supposed to come back, he was supposed to join Eli in Chiss space someday. He’d never _ said _that, but… something deep inside Eli had always been certain he would, eventually. 

“Eli’vanto. _ Commander._” Ar’alani’s hand was on his shoulder, her face concerned. “Are you alright?” 

Eli pushed the still-screaming voice away, buried it deep and forced himself to stand. “Yes. I’m sorry, sir. Thank you for telling me.” 

“You’re certain you are well?” Ar’alani asked, not releasing his shoulder and sounding unconvinced. “I know you were close—” 

“Not for a long time,” Eli said. “If I may take my leave, Admiral? I have the early shift tomorrow.” 

“Very well,” Ar’alani finally said, removing her hand. “You are dismissed, Commander.” 

Eli walked back to his quarters, dazed, feeling like he was walking through a dream. The corridors were all familiar, yet somehow different. Something had changed in the brief time since he’d walked them on his way to the Admiral’s office. 

It didn’t occur to him that maybe what had changed in that brief time was him. 

_ please could you stay awhile to share my grief _   
_ it’s such a lovely day to have to always feel this way _

Thrawn smiled, turned, and walked away.

“Thrawn! No, wait, please— don’t go—” Eli tried to run after him but his legs were too heavy, they wouldn’t move, and Thrawn kept going, getting further and further away with Eli’s every laboured breath. “_Please, _Thrawn, stay—” 

“Please come back—” Tears were streaming down Eli’s face as he swam up from the dream towards consciousness, flailing, crying out in between the sobs that wracked his entire body and reaching into the darkness of his room as the image faded away. “No, no, no… Thrawn, _ why_—” 

Eli curled onto his side, shaking, clutching at his stomach, his chest and throat tight and aching so fiercely he wanted to tear himself open to yank the pain out. To give it somewhere else to go before it crushed him. 

All that time, all those years of saying nothing, of pushing his feelings down until even he could forget they were there, and now… now it was too late. Too late for everything. 

He’d never even had the chance to say goodbye. 

“Don’t leave me,” he begged, but his broken whisper was swallowed up by the uncaring darkness. 

_ and the time that I will suffer less _   
_ is when I never have to wake _

Life went on for everyone else. It stopped for Eli. 

He woke up, ate, worked his shift, and escaped back into the sweet non-existence of sleep as soon as he could. He even began looking forward to the inevitable nightmares, the nightmares that meant he saw Thrawn again, even if it was only briefly. Even if they tore him up inside fresh each time.

But every day, it was a little harder to get up. Every night, his last thought was a dark yearning to never have to wake again. 

_ like a husk from which all that was now has fled _   
_ and the masks that the monsters wear _   
_ to feed upon their prey _

Hours blurred into days blurred into weeks, and the pain gradually left him numb. 

The _ Steadfast _managed to capture a small Grysk crew alive; and for the first time, the Chiss saw the face of their enemy. It was a huge victory.

Eli couldn’t bring himself to care, feeling nothing but a detached empathy. 

Terrible, dead faces hidden behind their masks of living flesh. 

Just like him. 

He found no more solace in sleep after that, no longer looked forward to his nightmares. After seeing the Grysks, the Thrawn in his dreams only ever wore a mask, a dead skin that still dripped with blood. 

Some small part of him whispered that he needed to talk to someone, he needed to deal with this. But he had no one. Maybe if Vah’nya was still— 

Eli’s numbed control wavered, something dark and painful rearing up from within, and he shoved the thought down again. He had no one. He was alone. 

It was better that way. 

_ wandering stars for whom it is reserved _   
_ the blackness the darkness forever _

The funeral was held on Csilla. The _ Steadfast _made a special trip back for it, and Eli went because he was expected to. Because some small part of him still thought maybe the chance to say goodbye might help, as though anything so trivial could fix the dead emptiness inside him. 

Eli couldn’t say if the turnout was large or small. It felt as though there weren’t nearly enough people there as Thrawn deserved, while at the same time he wanted to yell at every last one of them to get out and leave him be. 

He didn’t know whether he meant himself or Thrawn. 

He hardly noticed the ceremony itself, his attention fixed on the plain casket at the back of the room. Someone— he couldn’t remember who— had explained to him that custom was for it to remain open from nightfall until sunrise the next morning, giving any who wished it the chance to visit. 

Eli sat there, waiting, though he wasn’t sure for what, hushed voices ebbing and flowing around him as faceless strangers moved through the room to eventually disappear. 

When he was finally alone, save for one other silent watcher that he was only barely aware of, Eli stood. He hesitated briefly; then walked with heavy steps to the back of the room and looked down. 

Thrawn was there. 

The screaming voice came back. 

Eli broke. 

_ doubled up inside _   
_ take awhile to share my grief _

He came back from the darkness and opened his eyes to see a painfully familiar face looking down at him. 

For one brief, shining moment, it was Thrawn. 

Maybe it had all been a terrible dream, Eli thought distantly, or maybe he had died too, and finally escaped the pain— but no, the features weren’t quite right, and… they were twisted with a grief that mirrored his own, tears sliding silently from glowing red eyes. 

Awareness seeped in slowly. He was still in that room, lying on the floor in front of Thrawn’s casket, with his head and shoulders resting in the lap of… his mind finally made the link to someone he foggily remembered being introduced to, a lifetime ago. 

Thrawn’s brother. 

A violent sob tore from Eli’s throat and he curled onto his side, doubling up on himself as the agony of loss finally broke through his carefully cultivated numbness. “Thrawn, he— I can’t… it _ hurts_—” 

“Hush, I know… I know.” 

Comforting arms tightened around him as Thrass gently rocked him back and forth in their shared grief. Eli clung to him, shaking, and cried until he ached, cried until he finally found a measure of… 

Peace. 

**Author's Note:**

> (I didn't lose anyone, I just apparently felt like making myself cry a whole lot today)


End file.
